Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Life is so much better after having sex.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
