oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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