I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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