she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
zippers are such a cool invention
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
