It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
