why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
