Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
