I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize