my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
