im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
3pm strippers are depressing
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
