he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize