Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
