There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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