Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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