I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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