I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
