Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
