its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
