The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
