i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
