i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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