I'm lost and stupid without you.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
