He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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