On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
