Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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