I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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