just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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