i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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