Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize