we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
