genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
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