Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
