HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
