Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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