Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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