My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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