i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
