I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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