she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
