Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
