Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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