We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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