I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
