Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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