Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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