Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
