But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
