You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Randomize
