I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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