I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
