my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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