I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
