If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
