My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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