quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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