sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
