If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
