I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
