Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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