I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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