The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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