omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
