What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
