Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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