Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
