Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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